Sitting in a truck bed surrounded by the best female kayakers in the world, wearing a race bib for the North Fork Championship, I thought back to the eight year old girl who was terrified of her first kayak lesson and wondered how she somehow made it to this moment. Someone must have made an immense mistake in order for her to be sitting across from world champion Nouria Newman, headed up to the same start line. Nevertheless, I had placed in the top 20 female racers in the S-Turn prelims of NFC and had the chance to race boater-cross against 19 other badass ladies. For the first time in my kayaking career, I was surrounded by multiple women who were as passionate and stoked on kayaking as I was. Even though we were each other's competition, I sensed only positivity and support rather than jealousy and a need to battle for the spotlight that I sometimes feel is a natural byproduct of women being such a minority in a male dominated sport.
After spending a winter and spring season rarely on the water, I arrived in Banks questioning my ability and confidence on the water. Full of doubts of whether I was capable of racing NFC and fearful of how people would perceive me if I chose not to, or worse, messed up in the race. On Monday, just three days before I would be paddling through the start gate of prelims, I attended an "S-turn Clinic" run by graceful, calm and incredibly badass athlete Natalie Anderson. Though the beta and walkthrough of the rapid that Natalie gave certainly allowed me to visualize the line I would be hoping to take, the wisdom that I found most valuable was Natalie's race mentality. With a group of ten or so other women who would be racing, Natalie prompted us to talk about our saboteur mindsets. In other words, the traits of our personalities that are self sabotaging. Mine were "pleaser", "hyper-achiever", and "avoider". Here are the descriptions of each:
Pleaser: "The pleaser tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping others. This meets its emotional needs. It pleases, flatters, and rescues. The pleaser loses sight of its own needs and can become resentful. It has a strong need to be liked by others, which it does so indirectly so that others feel obliged to reciprocate care."
Hyper Achiever: "The hyper-achiever seeks self-respect and validation from constant performance. This can lead to a goal-oriented and workaholic streak and losing touch with relationships and emotional needs. It adapts its personality to impress other people. It wants to perfect the outer rather than the inner self."
Avoider: "The avoider focuses on the pleasant and positive and avoids the difficult and unpleasant. It has difficulty saying no, resists others, prefers comfort and routine, and procrastinates when tasks are not pleasant. The avoider will suppress anger and resentment, rather than express these emotions. It denies conflict and negative relationships, and trust from others can be superficial as there is conflict-avoidance and others’ trust levels are reduced."
Each of these saboteurs play a role in my personality to varying degrees. Identifying them was the first step. The second step was analyzing how they play a role in my emotions towards racing and kayaking in general. My pleaser and hyper-achiever saboteurs made me feel that if I didn't race, or if I failed, I would be letting people in my life down. I longed for the external validation that came with racing. Recognizing these unhealthy motives and fears didn't entirely make me let go of them, but allowed me to set them aside think back to the basics about why I love kayaking and why I love competition. All of the chaos of life goes quiet when every ounce of my energy is focused on chaos of a rapid and competing under this kind of environment heightens my longing to push myself and challenge the limits and walls I have unconsciously set up.
Throughout my training laps, the night before, and the day of prelims, every time I felt a doubtful thought creep in, Natalie's words echoed in my mind, reminding me to acknowledge the thought, name the emotion, and then close my eyes and focus on the sound of the river for three breaths. I entered the race with confidence in my ability and a mindset at peace with all of the potential turnouts of the competition. Multiple times throughout the three day event, I was again reminded why I love my sport and competing. I have never felt so awestruck to be surrounded by icons of whitewater and women who had paved the way for female participation and recognition in the whitewater community.
As Sunday morning rolled around and NFC came to a close, I felt beyond excited for the kayaking that has yet to come and emotionally prepared and armed for the challenges and fears that will meet me at each step up.
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